Let's see where do I start?
These past two weeks have been incredibly tough but like they say when the tough gets going the going gets tough. I've taken my political science test and got a 78 when I knew that I could have done better, I know that I passed my health planning systems test but I didn't go to class to get my score and I know that I didn't passed my math test. I hate the fact that I've been accepting these mediocre accomplishments. I hate that I say that I hate math when in I really hate studying for it. I found that out when I was studying for my math exam and was working on inequalities, the simplex method, and venn diagrams that it wasn't as hard as I was making them to be because I lacked the motivation to study.
I went to this program that was offered by the Student Counseling Services here on campus that was about time management and procrastination and the instructor told us that we should treat school like a full time job. That analogy struck me because I work on campus and I would NEVER ditch work because I didn't want to wake up!! Since math is at 8 AM, it's usually the class that I've frequently ditched simply because I didn't want to get up!! Come Saturday and Sunday, I FORCE myself to wake up around 6:45 AM so that I can clock in at 7 AM.
I wake up for work because I feel that if I don't wake up that that's it and I'm inevitably going to get fired. No one likes to get fired!! If I miss class it's not like my professor is going to call me in her office and tell me "You're FIRED!" What's worse is that the consequences of not attending class means that I won't get the hours I need for that class, it'll look horrible on my transcript, I'd have to take the class again, the class will affect my GPR which will affect my scholarships and their requirements, I could lose my scholarships, I could start a dominoe effect that will continue to be a pattern with my other classes and ultimately drop out of college which will be beyond disheartening and become a part of my life to tell my familia that their only daughter who went to a university was forced to drop out. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of succeeding because it's definitely not being afraid of failing because I've had my share of failures. Is it that I feel that college isn't for me but working full-time at McDonalds at minimum wage the entire time I could have been in college isn't something I look forward to waking up. Maybe it's the procrastination that has chiseled into my life and I feel like it's impossible to change?
I think of my family and it hurts to wonder what it would be like if I told them that I no longer wanted to pursue a degree. My mom told me a couple of days ago that my father LOVED to tell his friends that he has five kids. They follow up with "Where are they now?" and he tells them "Bueno, tengo una hija que es una supervisora en su trabajo con dos niños, un hijo en los Marines y es un sargento, un hijo que es un buen trabajador con muchas ganas y tiene dos hijas, (this is where I felt so much joy) una hija en la Universidad de Texas A&M, y las mas chica que todavia esta en la high school."[That he has a daughter who is a supervisor at her job and has two kids, a son in the Marines who is a sargeant, a hard working son who has so much to offer with two daughters, a daughter in Texas A&M University, and the youngest one still in high school] My dad is who I often think of and his past to come to a country that held so many possibilities for him. For him that dream of coming to this country was as simple as crossing the Rio Grande but it was much more complicated than just swimming over!! He had to cross a river in spite of the fact that he really didn't know how to swim, was incredibly horrified of drowning, had to walk a long way just to make it to Dallas, had to sleep out in the open, and was consciously aware that if the border control caught him that day that he would, without hesitation, try again. I don't ask him many questions about the time he crossed over but he'll tell me that he had to eat a snake once just to have something in his stomach. Being the "Whatever dad, spoiled american daughter that preferred to sound white when speaking in spanish than sounding mexican when speaking in english" daughter, I rolled my eyes and began watching my American sitcom, munching on some American chips, sipping some American fruit juice without remotely thinking that because of his ambition, his vision of a better life, his prosperity, and his ability to tell his family back home in Mexico that he MADE IT!!!, I never appreciated his struggle to provide our family with everything.
My mother often tells the family that I got my intelligence from her side of the family but as far as I've gotten, it wasn't as much as my intelligence that got me here to Texas A&M but the drive to succeed from my father. I want to succeed here and prove to everyone that it's MexiCAN not MexiCAN'T. LOL. (that was pretty corny but essentially true)
It's really late but I felt like I needed this moment to express myself and now I've got to get back to studying. It's 3:30 am and I have an exam at 12:40 pm which means that today will be an all-nighter and the ride back home will be my time to sleep. Wish me luck and have a safe Spring Break.